who is a husband?

A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.

Attitude at its best!

Girl to her boyfriend: what are you going to gift me on my birthday?

Boyfriend: a football!

Girlfriend: what! but i don't play football!

boyfriend: I know, but you also gifted me book on my birthday!

sardar's college!

A sardar once opened a college...
he could not find a name for it even after thinking a lot
finally with the help of his other sardar friends he named it "Sardar's medical college of engineering".

Foreigner meets sardar!

A Foreigner meets a sardar and greets him, "How do you do?"


Sardar replies "Its very personal...!, I cannot tell you! "

what is friendship?

Feeling of love
+
moment of caring
+
small small sharing
+
stupid fights
+
shoulder to cry
+
to be together in pain
=
creates a miracle called
“FRIENDSHIP”

Ind-Pak friendly relations ;)

In order to develop friendly relationship between the two countries, Manmohan Singh and yousuf raza gilani decided to visit each other's country regularly.

The first visit was by Manmohan to Pakistan. There Gilani showed him Pakistan's modern telecommunication systems. It was so good that Manmohan made a call to the Devil in hell and talked to him for 5 minutes! The bill for the call came to only Re.1.

When Manmohan came back, he also wanted India's telecommunication systems to be at the best when Gilani visited India. Suitable arrangements were made. Gilani came to India, visited the telecom department and talked to Zia-ul-Haq in hell for 5 minutes. But this time, the bill was Rs. 500!
 

Gilani asked with a sarcastic smile - "Why are telephone calls to hell so costly in India?"

A High level diplomat gave a smiling reply - "From Pakistan to hell, it is a local call, Sir, while from India, it is long distance!".

Software Sholay..

Gabbar sends Kaalia and his other two colleagues to Ramgadh for Collecting the 'loot-maar' software which he had ordered.They reach Ramgad and start shouting:

"Abe O thakur! Baahar nikal !! Kahan hai wo loot-maar software, jo hamne order kiya tha? Last date to kabh ka nikal gaya"

Dhaniya, an old man comes out with a floppy in his hand.
Kaalia - "Kya laye ho dhaniya?"

Dhaniya - "Financial Accounting software hai sarkar."
Kaalia - "Suwar ke bacche! Yeh bekar software hamare liye banaya?

Aur woh loot-maar software kya apni beti ke baratiyon ke liye zip file Mein chuppa ke rakha hai? Haraam-zada !!"

Thakur comes out of his house with anger, saying: "Chillao mat kaalia !! Jaakar gabbar se kah do ki Thakur Software walon ne paagal kutton ke liye software banana bund kar diya hai"

Kaalia - "Bahut garmi dikha rahe ho thakur? Koi naye programmers hire Kiye hain kya??"
Thakur - "Nazar utha ke dekh, Kaalia, tere sar par powerbuilder chal Raha hai".

Kaalia lifts his head. He sees Viru (Dharmendra) working on a PC on one Water tank and Jay (Amitabh) on another water tank, punching the keys of a Laptop.

Kaalia starts laughing and says: "Haa Haa...Ye log programming karenge thakur? Haa haa... in ko to DOS commands bhi nahin aate. Suno ramgad ke vasiyon, thakur ne hijdon ki software company banaayi hai"

Veeru shouts: "Chup-chap chala ja Kutai. Ham log consultants hain, kuch Bhi kar sakte hain"

Jay hits some commands on his keyboard. Then says: "Jao kaalia, gabbar Se kahna ki uska server down ho gaya"

Kaalia - "Jaata hoon thakur. Agar gabbar ko pata chala ki Thakur Software walon ne uska loot - maar software nahin banaya, to wo poore network mein Virus daal dega"

At the Gabbar's den...
Gabbar: "Kittney bugs thay"?
Kalia: "Do sarkaar"

Gabbar: "Woh do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhee fix nahin kar sake? Kya soch ke aaye ho?
Gabbar bahut khus hoga? Naya assignment dega, kyoon? Iski saja milegi..Barobbar milegi"

Snatches an X terminal from Sambaa
"Kitne sessions hain, is machine mein?"

Sambaa: Chhey Sarkaar.

Gabbar: "Session chhey aur programmer teen. Bahoot naa-insaafi hai.
logout..logout... logout....

Haan.. ab theek hai... Ab tera kyaa hoga kaalia?"
Kalia: "Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha, sarkar?"

Gabbar: " To ab documentation kar !!!" [LOGOUT.....]

confidence & fear......

Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Turkey to Jamnagar(India)...
The conversation went like this.....
Pakitani Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Pakistani airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is an Indian aircraft. I am in international airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Pakistani airspace... If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircrafts!'
Aircraft: 'This is an Indian Air Force Sukhoi Su-30 MkI fighter jet armed with nine R77 BVR missiles. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Pakistani Air Defense Radar: (no response .... total silence) 

by: Harnish

now thats nike!

chequebook story!

Did you hear about the sardar who signed all his cheques so no one else could use them if he lost his chequebook?

Beepo singh while in grade school

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Beepo Singh: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Beepo Singh: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

Software Ramayan

LAN, LAN(long) ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya, there ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat. Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs -RAM, LSIman, BUG-rat and SED-rughana.

RAM the eldest was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY. His brothers,however, were only PERIPHERAL ICs. Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess 'C'ta.12 years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTAL RAM as his successor. However, Queen CIE/CAE (Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat for a life saving HELP COMMAND, took this opportunity at the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a real plotter), and insisted that her son Bug-rat be INSTALLED and that RAM be BOOTED to the forest for 14 years. At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE passed thru DOS-rat and he collapsed, power-less.
 

RAM agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta insisted to LOGIN with him. LSI-man was also resolved on LOGGING IN with his brother. The forest was the dwelling of SPARC-nakha, the TRANSISTOR of RAW-van, PROCESSOR of LAN-ka. Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he marry her.

RAM, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to kill her. Weeping, SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where RAW-van, moved by TRANSISTOR's plight, approached his uncle MARicha. MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the form of a golden stag and drew RAM deep into the forest. Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, who,with his last breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice.
 

Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM SOUND, 'C'ta urged LSI-man to his brother's aid. Catching the opportunity, RAW-van DELINKED 'C'ta from her LIBRARY and changed her ROOT DIRECTORY to LAN-ka.

RAM and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the missing 'C'ta all over the forest. They made friendship with the forest SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his powerful co-processor Ha-NEUMAN. SU-greev agreed to help RAM.

SU-greev ordered his PROGRAMMERS to use powerful 'SEARCH' techniques to FIND the missing 'C'ta. His PROGRAMMERS SEARCHED all around the INTER-NETworked forests. Many tried to 'EXCITE' the birds and animals not to forget the 'WEBCRAWLERS' (Insects) and tried to 'INFO SEEK' something about 'C'ta.

Some of them even shouted 'YAA-HOO' but they all ended up with 'NOT FOUND' MESSAGES. Several other SEARCH techniques proved useless. Ha-NEUMAN devised a RISKy TECHNOLOGY and used it to cross the seas at an astonishing CLOCK SPEED.

Soon Ha-NEUMAN DOWNLOADED himself into LAN-ka. After doing some local SEARCH, Ha-NEUMAN found 'C'ta weeping under a TREE STRUCTURE. Ha-NEUMAN used a LOGIN ID (ring) to identify himself to 'C'ta.

After DECRYPTING THE KEY, 'C'ta believed in him and asked him to send a STATUS_OK MESSAGE to RAM. Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS around 'C'ta captured Ha-NEUMAN and tried to DELETE him using pyro-techniques.

But Ha-NEUMAN managed to spread chaos by spreading the VIRUS 'Fire'. Ha-NEUMAN happily pressed ESCAPE from LAN-ka and conveyed all the STATUS MESSAGES to RAM and SU-greev.

RAW-wan decided to take the all powerful RAM head-on and prepared for the battle. One of the RAW-wan's SUN (son) almost DELETED RAM & LSI-man with a powerful brahma-astra.

But Ha-NEUMAN resorted to some ACTIVE-X gradients and REBOOTED RAM and LSI-man. RAM sed the SOURCE CODE secrets of RAW-wan and once for all wiped out RAW-wan's presense onearth.

After the battle, RAM got INSTALLED in I/O-dhya and spread his MICROSOFT WORKS and other USER FRIENDLY PROGRAMS to all USERS and every one lived happily everafter.

JUST READ IT AND ENJOY IT ...

dis is essay wriiten by a bihari person.It has won a 1st price.Check it out u'll forget ur english...
Indian Cow

HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.

His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such attachment]

What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, Also his other motion.. gober[cowdung] is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza] , in hand and drying in the sun.

Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts . His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.......



courtesy: parth bhut

Genie joke..!

A man finds an old lamp, hoping for a miracle he rubs the lamp.To his surprise a Genie appears in front of him with folded hands and says 'What can I do for you my lord?'
The astonished man asks for a big house for himself, at which the Genie laughs and says 'If I could give you a big home, do you think I would live in this lamp?'

check how the mouse under your hand really operates!

Jim and Bill

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came
home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did."

"Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my
bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?"

The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

bridge across the ocean!

Once a man was lying on the beach looking up in the sky, soon he decided to talk to god, he begged to god to grant him only one wish , looking at the mans sincerity God granted him a wish. God asked " whats ur wish son", the man said ,"God I wish you could make a bridge across this ocean to the next country where I have to go for my business very often, So that I don't have to spend a lot of cash for airways", God answered , "son, this wish of urs , is kinda difficult for me , cause its full of concrete and hard materials which are not easily available, So ask for some other wish and I'll complete it", the man thought for a while and said ,"God can you tell me , that what goes on in a womans mind all the time , what does she actually mean when she says, go away leave me alone, and what is she thinking when she is really quite for sometime".... God thought for a long time and then he replied,"...mmmmm..
Son how do u want it to be , a one way or a two way bridge ?"....

Mahatma Gandhi on Indian currency

India pakistan at war!!

Banta was in the army. During the war with Pakistan, Banta used
his intelligence to kill many Pakistani soldiers.
He would hide behind the bushes and shout Pakistani names like Imran Khan the soldier named Imran Khan would get up to say "I am here !"
Then Banta would shoot him down. This went on till Banta almost wiped out all the soldiers single handily!
Suddenly the Pakistani commander realized that Banta was killing all his soldiers by fooling them. So he decides to use Banta's own method to kill him and starts calling him names like Banta etc.
Banta realizing that the Pakistani was using his trick, suddenly says "Who called me?" and the Commander gets up to say "I called you."
Banta shoots him down!

Mid-air trouble :-D

There were 11 people hanging tightly onto a rope with both hands that came down from a helicopter.
Ten were Pakistani, and one was a Indian.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the helicopter would be overloaded and crash killing all of them.
No one could decide who should
go, so finally the Indian said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the Indian saying he would get off, all of the Pakistanis started clapping.
Problem solved.:-D

Genie time!

Three guys a Pakistani, a Sri Lankan and an Indian were out walking together one day.
They come across a lantern they rub it and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total" says the Genie.
The Sri Lankan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son
will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Sri Lanka."
With a blink of the Genie's eye,'FOOM' the land in Sri Lanka was forever made fertile for farming.
The Pakistani was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Pakistan, so that no foreigners can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Pakistan.
The Indian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state. Nothing can get in or out."
The Indian says, "My wish is that you fill it up with water."

train in tunnel :-D

There's an Indian guy, a Pakistani guy and a beautiful woman Sitting next to each other in a train.

The train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then the sound of a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel.

The woman and the Indian are sitting there looking perplexed. The Pakistani is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

The Pakistani is thinking, "O Allah, that Indian must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me."
The lady is thinking, "That Pakistani must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Indian instead and got slapped."

The Indian was thinking "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Pakistani again."

India rocks!

hijacked plane

Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a Boeing 747 full of Pakistanis?

He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

brain tumor!

A brain tumor patient with end-stage disease was informed that he needed an immediate brain transplant operation. The surgeon told him, "You can have an Indian brain for $10,000 dollars or an Americans for $25,000 dollars or I can give you 10 gms. of a Paki's brain for $100,000 dollars." The patient asked,"Why is the Paki's brain so much more expensive than the others?" "Well," replied the surgeon, "we have to go through a lot of Pakistanis to find 10 gms of brain."

sardar in desert!

A sardar, a Japanese, and a Britisher were lost in the desert.
They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down,because
they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the
 Jeep as they continued their journey. The Japanese took the
radiator, the Britisher took the seat, and the sardar took the
door. After a while of walking the Britisher asked the Japanese
 "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?" The Japanese
responded, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the fluid." Next the
sardar asked the Britisher "Why did you bring the seat?" So
the Britisher said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the sand.
I can sit on this comfortable seat." Finally the Japanese asked the sardar why he had chosen the door. The sardar quickly responded to this question, "Well, when it gets hot all I have to do is roll down the window."

parking in newyork city!

Before going to Europe on business, a sardar drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank
and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested
collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the sardar said. The loan officer
promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him
$5,000. Two weeks later, the sardar walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his
loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $20.30 in Interest", the loan
officer said. The sardar wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer
 said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need
to borrow $5,000?" The sardar smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for
two weeks and pay only $20.30?

sardar back home after war!

A sardar comes from the war,after being away from his wife for 3 years...he is greeted by her and
his new 8 month old baby boy. The sardar's joy is unlimited and knows no bounds, but suddenly ,
he turn to her and asks,"how did you manage that? to have my son when i haven't seen you in over
3 years?" The wife, on realizing she might be exposed thinks and says" you weren't there, but i
had your picture didn't I? i managed with it". The sardar seems satisfied till he turn around and
says,"but love, the picture was only of my face!"